A gentleman that works at the DA’s office with me (in a different unit) was talking to me about a case for work when we began to talk about Hairspray (which he saw me in during its run). He told me how much he and his wife loved the show and how talented he thought everyone was. As always, I was pleased to hear it (whatever I’m vain), especially because its been a few weeks since we close and I’m finally starting to get antsy to do some more performing. He then brought up the fact that I went to Biola and we began to discuss how much I loved college and enjoyed the experience (cue Asher Roth’s “I Love College”-I love a good anthem) and he said “good for you” and we talked a little more about college.

 

Then he told me, “I know the DA’s office is just a stop for you right?” and I told him I believe so. Then he said “Good. Because you’re way too smart and talented. You’re gonna go places…easy.”

 

Maybe this compliment was just said to make conversation; maybe he believed it. All I know is that today, its exactly what I needed to hear.

 

Sometimes things look hard. They seem impossible and my favorite frienemy Doubt comes around to tag along and remind me of all my shortcomings. Then someone tells you something like that, and you remember why you started dreaming in the first place. You remember why people see things in you, because deep down, you believe it too.

It’s the little reminders, the people God strategically places in your life to say those things that you need to hear, that make every moment of patient waiting worth it. Especially when everything in view seems to oppose it.

I was feeling really down today. Defeated and overwhelmed, disqualified and unworthy. So I took a break from work, went outside with a pen and a piece of paper and started writing. Honestly, I have no idea where these thoughts were coming from but it helped so much. I upchucked a whole bunch of thoughts onto a page and began affirming myself without even trying (or really even knowing it). Needless to say, I am proud of those words written. So now I shall allow them to enter an eternal digital existence.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. —Mae West

I’m jealous of all those making their dreams come true. I don’t want to force anything to happen but I guess sometimes you do just have to grab the bull by the horns (Thanks Jacob Amaro for reminding me of this last night). I don’t want to live a passive life only to find out that everything’s passed me by when I have the ability to do something. What I want is to live life largely (Edna: “Be careful what you wish for.” -Gosh, I love Hairspray). But really, I just want to do the things I love because I love them, and I don’t want to take no for an answer (Unless of course it’s a “no” from God).
There’s a feeling I have that tells me I was made for so much more than this (the DA’s office, Ventura, 23 year old slump). I will not be brought down. I vow that on today, January 13, 2012 (Friday the 13th, no less) that all my decisions will be made out of confidence. Confidence in Jesus, confidence in myself and confidence in the fact that I can do whatever is put before me.
All I am is a girl created by an all powerful God that only wants what’s best for me. I cannot put myself down because I have no right to do so. I have no right to put down something that I did not create. I may not put down the work of Christ. If someone puts me down, that’s a problem they’ll have to take up with my maker.
I choose not to believe anything said about me, except for those words declared by my God. I AM fearfully and wonderfully made. He sings life over me. He has created me for SUCH a time as this and I will not let any of this time be wasted. I’m chosen. He wants me. He chose me. He gifted me to sing. He gave me a passion for people, a passion for the hurting, a passion to worship, a passion to love and be loved. He gave me the knowledge to know that my life will not be average. I will live a victorious, large, insanely beautiful, Jesus filled life.